Here I am on the eve of a new month not having really written very much in the past month and not having posted anything new to the blog in just as long… It feels like a constant conflict, my deep desire to write and the flood of everything else in my life that drains me of the time or energy to be able to do so.
These last two weeks have depleted me. Leaving me like a wet blanket on the inside full of water and weight. Giving me a bad case of the fuck its. Longing to get a break from my incessant caring and then getting pissed off that I no longer engage in the self-destructive behaviors that once gave me respite from being good all the time. I annoy myself with how responsible I am and get equally as annoyed when I am not. It’s a lose, lose.
Fuck everything.
I still don’t stop climbing the mountain though. I’m still gonna show up tomorrow, backpack on, blisters poorly bandaged with blood filling my boots. I am still going to smile and be pleasant. I am still not going to care how most people that I encounter are doing because my care cup is filled with the lives and stories of all my clients and loved ones. Leaving absolutely no space for pointless small talk or other things I simply have no desire to hold space for.
Sorry, not sorry.
Truth is I kind of hate being good. Being pleasant. Being mindful of others and their feelings ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I find pleasure in being a bitch, which usually only happens in secret within the sacred space of safe relationships. I told one of my inner circle people the other day that my asshole only really comes out with people I feel most safe with so they should feel special… To which they agreed and completely understood, hence them being one of my sacred.
Another one of my truths is that I fucking hate people. Most of humanity is so bothersome to me that even a brief trip to Walmart leaves me questioning my desire to ever go in public places again. But I will happily sit in the depths of someone’s darkest truths and swim with them there for a while, finding so much beauty, so much hope, so much life.
Greater humanity can fuck off though. I am so over it. All of it.
I’m over the social media floods, the ploys for attention and recognition caught between the thoughts of, “You’re aren’t that special” and “You matter the most”. Aren’t so many of us caught in that space? How insignificant we all are in our individual existence while also being the most miraculous thing simply by existing.
A spec of sand to an entire galaxy.
A meaningless existence that is full of mystery.
Another blog post that is read by few but relatable to many.
I am everything and I am nothing.
I am… exhausted.