by: EileenPosted on:

Fearing Me

I have unbeknownst to myself
Always feared becoming the woman who I have forever longed to be.
Every woman I envied.
Every woman I admired.
Every woman I looked up to.
Every woman I feared.

I have always feared my own power.
A fear that has no scent
That made no sense
That was unconsciously sent
And meticulously ignored.

Now that it is here at my finger tips.
Now that the veil is thinning and I am deep in the work of unbirthing myself…
The fear has been exposed.
No longer able to mascarade as Generalized Anxiety Disorder or Functional Alcoholism.

It’s the man behind the curtain.
Exposed in his simple, mortal, febile form.

It’s the roots.
It’s the burning.
It’s the storm.
It’s the chaos.
It’s me untethered.
It’s me trembling.
It’s me. Breathing.

I am chaos and I am calm.
I am uncertain and I am clear.
I am sensitive and I am strong.
I am wise and I am nieve.
I am mother and I am father.
I am human and I am divine.

I. Am. Balancing.

The woman I fear is what I long for.
The unweaving is unreal and darker than I ever could have imagined.
The nieve has kept me blind and disabled to the sacred space within me.
The sensitive has been gaslit, the feminine oppressed, and the productive celebrated.
It has burnt my skin to a crisp.
As I begin to peel back the unrecoverable material I find the sensation to be both painful and satisfying.
I find the myth underneath and it is foreign.

I breath.

I hear in the distance a voice
Familiar and eerie
It calls to me.
Singing sweet songs of love that was lost and love that is longed for.
Love that always was, forever is, and one day will be.

I descend.

Folding into the darkness of the underworld
Stripping away the very fabric of my soul.
Exposing something unknown
A skinless flesh
A bare boned breath
A body untainted.

I bow.

Surrendering each piece of me
To Neti
Freeing me from everything that means
Anything.
Leaving me as rotting flesh
Uncertain of any hope for a triumphant return.

I am unborn.