Burnout

Kind of a funny topic to start with on a brand new blog and yet it is the exact state I have found myself to be in at this point in my life.
I have been dreaming of this blog for some time now. What it would be called, what I would talk about, the people who would read it and those that will criticize it. Never at any point in those daydreams did I imagine myself writing the first post on stress leave, feeling utterly exhausted and unmotivated to do anything other than stare at the wall.

Welcome to the life of Mommy Therapist.
A life under constant construction much like this website.

A woman always seeking to find the truth and then compulsively sharing it with anyone that will listen. I can promise you one thing reader, that every word you read in this space will be my unfiltered and honest truth. For this is what I advocate for, what I am raising my daughter in, and what I empower my clients to discover in themselves. I am an imperfect woman that has spent her life striving for the perfect. Not in order to gain some false sense of social status but rather to keep at bay the overwhelming anxiety that has nipped and nawed at me basically my entire life.

The first and most important truth I feel compelled to share in light of this is that the only escape from anxiety is truth. Anxiety is birthed from fear that is dictated by lies that are rooted deep within our psyches and reinforced by associative life experiences. By the time we enter into adulthood they have gained so much respect and status that we dare not question their validity. We accept them as fundamental truths about ourselves. The only anecdote to this is seeking, finding, and expressing our actual truths. This is the purpose and function of this blog for me. While I am hopeful that many will find themselves engaging in and gaining from the pages here, this venture is truly a self-centered one.

I need this.
I need to process and express because when I don’t, I burnout.

Being a therapist is one of the greatest joys in my life. It revives me. It refills my cup. It blesses me to watch others, especially women, move through the difficult and painful with courage and grace in order to integrate and evolve into the humans they were intended to be. It is literally one of the most powerful experiences I have had the honor of being witness to.

“Courage is birthed from the womb on the first light of day /  Yeah, the day you were born, you came out perfect / Never meant to be torn”

Nahko and Medicine for the People

Coming in number one as my greatest joy, however, is being the mother to my mind-blowing and magical daughter. Honestly only because the two fall into very different categories and parts of myself.

You know how so many people talk about and post that first moment when you get to hold your baby? They say they are suddenly flooded with love, their hearts are full, their world’s complete. Yeah, that’s bullshit. Well at least for me it was.

The first time I held my daughter, after they untangled the umbilical cord from her neck, arm, and leg (which by the way was some serious foreshadowing) my primary emotion was uncertainty. And serious pain in my vagina.
I gazed at my beautiful daughter that looked exactly like her father and wondered who she was. I wondered if she would like me. If I was going to be a good mother to her. If I was going to be able to sustain breastfeeding her and know which cry meant what. I felt like I was both looking at a stranger and a soul that I have always known would come to find me. I also felt shame and that something was seriously wrong that I wasn’t feeling like those social media moms.

One could imagine that this was a lot to experience and process all at once. But then my truth began to seep in like a soothing balm and it was this… I get to be her mother, forever. Just me. No one else. That truth saved me and has continued to ground me to this day. Expressing it in this moment brings tears to my eyes.

So why are you burnout Eileen? If these two roles bring you such meaning, purpose and joy then why are you out on stress leave sitting by yourself on a random bench in downtown staring at a wall?
The answer is a universal one… because each of these roles are impossibly hard.
Like for real are set up to make you constantly question yourself and fear the inevitable.

That you will fuck up at some point.

You will let them (children and clients) down, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, unintentionally hurt or offend, disappoint, fumble, forget, or otherwise. That you will be the cause of whatever negative feelings these fumbles created in them. Feelings that you would prefer to never, ever know about.

The hardest part for the Mommy Therapist?Knowing that creating and holding safe space for those feelings to be expressed and processed is what is going to not only help them evolve and heal but will reinforce your attachment relationship with them. Which, by the way, in both scenarios (children and clients) is the most fundamental function of love and safety. The two absolutes that are needed in order to integrate, heal, and evolve as human beings. The entire process is called rupture and repair and it requires a huge amount of humility and tolerance for the emotions of guilt and shame.

There is a lot of pressure in this, especially for someone whose defense mechanism is perfectionism. A defense mechanism built specifically to keep out feelings of guilt and shame. For if I always do everything perfectly then I will never harm anyone and I will leave no room for unwanted criticism.

Now let’s add doing these roles within a system that was birthed and built out of trauma. In a field that is understaffed and in increasingly high demand of it’s services. Let’s also add a society that perpetuates the belief in women that they need to prove their worth. That the developmentally normal behaviors of children reflect how good or bad of a mother they are. That women truly can “have it all” the career, the children, the partner, the family unit, the home and then simultaneously sustain them all. With no help.
It’s insanity.

Then let’s add the loss of that phantasy and replace it with single motherhood.

I’m tired of doing it all. I use to think I had to and now I have come to realize that I don’t want to.

Welcome to the life of the Mommy Therapist, I hope you enjoy the journey.

With love,

Eileen