Suffering

I am questioning the ability to be unburnt. Unstressed. Unworried. 

Is such a thing possible when you think as much as I do? Care as much as I do? Worry as much as I do? It is far less than it ever has been but it’s fuel to the fire is still consistently there whether I want it to be or not.

Can you be a mother and a therapist at the same time and not burnout?

Funny to be in this place of contemplation and sharing within the space of this blog as it is the very place from which it was birthed. These dual roles of mother and therapist.

I have come to some hard and humbling realizations these last few weeks. A massive one being that these last four years of my life in which I have fought hard to find balance in this dual role of mommy therapist has created chronic overstimulation and a baseline of burnout.

So surprise surprise here I am out on stress leave. Again.

While it might feel like a full circle back to where I was when I started this blog the truth is it’s a spiral. I am not the woman I was four years ago. I am not the therapist that I was four years ago. I am not the mother I was four years ago. I am not the lover I was four years ago.

I have been transformed from these fires and as I walk into this new cycle of my life I see hope on the horizon. Something deeply fundamental within myself and my psyche is changing. The relief of some old belief that kept me in my suffering. The release of the source of the suffering itself.

This morning I asked myself, “What am I holding into?” The answer was my fear. I asked, “Why am I holding on so desperately to my fear?” The answer, out of a need for comfort much like a warm blankie. So then I asked, “What comfort exactly is this brining me?” The answer, a belief that it will protect me from further harm. A belief that the fear created from my trauma will be like a shield and a sword to ward off the possibility of that person, place or situation ever hurting me again. 

The truth?

It’s not a shield. It’s a muzzle. It restricts my intuition and my faith in my Creator that I am always protected. It dims my ability to perceive clearly and to hear and see the guidance that the universe is ALWAYS giving me. It brings me harm. It brings me suffering. This thorn in my side.

The truth is I don’t owe anyone anything. But I do owe myself everything.

So I have decided to remove this thorn. This one and another that held the belief that in some manner I hold a duty to serve others. Gah! There is that damn savior complex again! If you have read my earliest posts I speak to this complex within myself, in greatest detail in Jellyfish and Jellyfish Sequel.

Yet here I am festering in burnout yet again. So what the fuck?? Shouldn’t I have learned my lesson the first time?

Unfortunately that’s not how the spiral works.

Eventually it will tapper off. Falling into the abyss of infinite possibilities and realities. For now I am in the thick of it. Learning the next layer of this lesson. Suffering in the process because that is life.

This time is different though because I have learned the power that I hold in being able to remove the thorn. To reduce the intensity of my own suffering. To find hope and faith in the process. To let go of my fear and rather focus my energy on love.

I have a lot of practice needed in this area. Especially when I am experiencing a trigger and have put on my trauma lens shades that darken my perceptions. These moments I cling to my fear, wielding the sword of self righteousness. Wounding those I love more than I am the enemy. Point for the enemy.

Thank God we get to reset though. Thank the Creator I am capable of removing those glasses so I can once again be warmed in her light Thank the Universe that a single battle is not the entire war. For that is exactly what this is. Warfare. The eternal battle between light and dark. Truth and untruth. Love and fear. Peace and chaos.

It is brewing in massive waves right now globally. Percolating in people’s hearts, creating destructive emotions of anger and fear.

Fuck that!

I choose love. Every fucking time.

I am choosing ME!

I am choosing to free myself from all the bullshit that has kept me in a cycle of burnout.

I get to do that.

I am in the process of trying to teach that to my daughter right now. Bless her fiery spirit.

She wants the power and she fights HARD to get it. But it creates suffering for her when she does this. It creates massive tension in our relationship that frequently explodes in yelling and eventually tears. Always followed up with sorrow and apologies on both our parts.

This happened last night. It was pretty bad. I yelled so loud my throat hurt when I went to bed. As I was laying with her while she fell asleep, both of our systems calming and the amygdalas turning off, I spoke my truth to her. I validated her desire to have the power and explained to her that right now she has very little when it comes to our relationship. I let her know that the reason for this is because it is MY responsibility to make sure when the day comes and she is given all of the power over her own life, that she will do well with it. That she will use it to make safe choices, to take good care of herself, and to love without fear. This is because I am the parent and it is my responsibility to meet her needs, teach her skills, and integrate her authentic self so that she doesn’t create more suffering in her life.

Wow. Isn’t that still the truth for us grownups? Always seeking the power? Entering into conflict with our higher power, blaming them for the consequences of our choices, throwing temper tantrums, and insisting that we know best?

Ha! How silly of us.

How silly of me.

May I learn to trust my Creator with the same level of faith that I know my daughter can have in me.

So may it be for me.

So may it be for you.

So may it be for all of us.

Amen.